The 10 Commandments of Food Shopping Etiquette

Image courtesy of bplanet at freedigitalphotos.net

Image courtesy of bplanet at freedigitalphotos.net

I choose to aggravate myself at the Shop Wrong grocery store every Saturday. I get up and go at Oh Six Hundred Hours to avoid people who, mostly likely, will irritate me. (Here’s some TMI: I also look like a troll who crawled out of the sewer because I play the odds that I won’t run into anyone I know at that time of the morning.) Anyway, it is my strong belief that fellow customers should obey my rules. Please know that strict adherence will be closely monitored. Here are my ten commandments of food shopping etiquette:

ONE:  Thou shall not bend down and tie one’s shoe at the entrance door to the store or linger for any other reason, such as to review that week’s flyer. This should be done prior to departure from home. I will have no choice but to roll my cart over an individual for such unconscionable behavior. (To that end, it’s not OK to opt for the cart with the squeaky wheel either.)

TWO:  Thou shall not park an unattended cart right smack in the middle of the aisle thruway. If I can’t safely pass on the left, harsh disciplinary action will be taken. Perhaps losing the privilege of partaking in the baked goods section and potato chip aisle might be an appropriate sanction.

THREE:  Thou shall not make me wait to procure a product in the aisle because he or she decides to read all of the labels in excruciating detail. It is common knowledge that the powdered soup has 10 times the yearly recommended allowance of monosodium bloat-a-mate in one serving. Throw it in the cart and move on; someone will eat it.

FOUR:  Thou shall not make a turn at the end of the aisle without first making a complete stop and looking both ways. This will, in addition to cutting down on collision accidents, ensure that I have a fighting chance to get the last jar of Fluffernutter which is on sale. And watch your speed; this isn’t a highway.

FIVE:  Thou shall not get into the 10 item express lane with more than 12 items. That is as much slack as I am willing to give. If you fail to comply, you will be subject to endless sighs set forth in an accusatory tone, loud finger tapping, and burning stares.

SIX:  Thou shall not pay with a check that has not been 90% filled out ahead of time. In fact, thou shall not pay with a check at all. Whip out the debit card and wrap up your transaction in an expedient manner.

SEVEN:  Thou shall not dig for pennies in one’s ratty old change purse for 10 minutes resulting in my ice cream melting on the conveyor belt. (This also applies to coupons resting at the bottom of your bag. Move on. You know they are expired anyway; they’ve been balled up in your purse since 1952.)

EIGHT:  Thou (and this “thou” pertains to the checkout clerk) shall not chew gum like a cow eating salt water taffy and comment in painful detail on every item in my cart. Said checkout person should have the common sense to realize that I’d rather smash my skull with a ball peen hammer than be there another minute.

NINE:  Thou shall not mosey on out of the store and through the parking lot at the speed of -5 miles per hour.  As no one seems to walk as fast as I do, I will ensure check points will be established to make sure that the appropriate minimum mph gait will be observed.

TEN:  Thou shall not, under any circumstances, talk on the cell phone within 50 yards of my person. This behavior inevitably leads to more serious offenses. Thus, this is a capital offense and will result in mandatory checkout in the above-mentioned gum-chewing commentator’s line.

Please also know that I park waaaaaaaay far away in the lot  to avoid abandoned shopping carts and other cars. Parking a large SUV two inches from my vehicle, when there are plenty of other more convenient spots available, will also not be tolerated.

If you notice anyone who is not in compliance with these ten commandments, please let me know. Immediate action will be taken to ensure that the perp is punished accordingly.

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